But Can I Still Respect Them The Next Morning?

Yesterday morning at work I was sent to a different section of the store to help get ready for the day's opening. In the course of conversation with one of my coworkers I found out that he is a "Mixed Martial Artist" and that one of my female coworkers is a big fan of "MMA" and attends matches at the Mythe nightclub in Maplewood. This rising sport used to be known as ultimate fighting, which appears to have started as a brutal near fights to the death. In the past 15 years or so, the sport has evolved and instituted some rules. In a striking fit of common sense, the powers that govern the sport thought it best to make kicking someone in the head when said person was splayed down on the mat illegal. Whew. Since I don't watch MMA, I will let others pontificate about this sport being a barometer pointing to the end of Western Civilization. I simply have no interest in watching. None. Not even to be able to pontificate about how this is the end of Western Civilization. I'm more interested in why these two people I work with, who seem entirely rational and well-adjusted, are smitten with this sport. The guy I worked with is very pleasant, doesn't have a chip on his shoulder, and I've never seen him act or pose as a tough guy. The woman is a sporto type, (she went to the Twins' opener). I never would have guessed that she was into this kind of human carnage, although I was told it might be because of the drink specials at the Mythe.

All this lead to a fevered insomniacal hour last night, consumed with thinking about the appeal of MMA and of other sports. Let's see what I can recall:

American Football - The unmasked truth about this sport is that it is deadly dull. I just don't see where people get off calling this game exciting. A play normally lasts 5-6 seconds after which there is, at minimum, a 45 second period before the next play starts. This is soooo much a teevee sport. Why? To fill up that 45 second gap, the previous play is reviewed, dissected, telestrated, replayed ad nauseum. If teevee watchers were forced to sit and watch the teams huddle and substitute players after every play instead of replays, the ratings would take a nose dive. Booooorrring. The only attraction left for the game would be the "big hit," that is, waiting for someone on the opposing team to get shellacked, and hopefully injured, by someone on your team. I think I watched about a total of an hour of football in 2008. I think I saw 4 serious injuries. Dumb. And boring.

NASCAR - Three words. Watching. Paint. Dry. Similar to American Football, I think the popularity comes from the suspense in hoping there could be a high speed car wreck, the equivalent of a "big hit" (with injury!). This sport has had the unfortunate consequence of making NASCAR's yahoo fans think that 35W is Daytona and that they are Jeff Gordon. Morons.

Basketball - Boring on the pro level only because the athleticism is so great that the game does not look challenging. Raise the basket 3 more feet and widen the foul lane 10 more feet and it might be more like women's basketball, which looks much more interesting to me.

Hockey - Interesting because it has nonstop action due to the line changes and the zipping around on ice skates. On the pro level, the stupid enters in through the constant ticky-tacky clutching, grabbing etc. which has the effect of dampening the thing that makes hockey interesting, the speed. Also, pro hockey has idiots like Derek Boogaard who runs a hockey camp for kids to teach them how to fight. 'Nuff said.

Soccer - I've truly enjoyed watching World Cup soccer on the teevee. Ironically the problem with the game is not actual violence and injury. It is the appearance of violence and injury. In my observation, one only has to look at an opponent cross-eyed to get him to flop down on the turf holding his leg as if his achilles tendon has snapped and rolled up like an old fashioned window shade. From what I gather, the team trainer comes out, kisses the boo-boo and everything is all right since the player, more likely than not, finishes the game showing no ill effects. (Note to self: suggest magic lipped soccer trainers move to NFL. Millions could be made.)

Here are two gross generalizations for you. For the most part the pro sports I've watched have been so filled with chest-thumping bravado and in your face intimidation that I simply turn them off. The other thing I generally find bothersome in most all sports are players testing the limits as to how much they can get away with without being called for a penalty or foul. How much grabbing can an offensive lineman get away with before getting flagged? How hard can a basketball player push off before the ref calls him out on it? Gotta test those limits, and when it becomes epidemic, the leagues change the rules to reign in the scofflaws.

Which brings me to baseball. This sport at the pro level is not without its problems, but it is the one game I can sit down and watch on the teevee and not feel like I am wasting an afternoon or evening (o.k. I could watch World Cup Soccer for a few hours).

I'm not sure what the greatest appeal of the game is for me, but I do know that the intimidation and trash talking doesn't seem as prevalent, A.J. Pyrzynski excepted of course. Sure there are brush back pitches every once in a while, but honestly I think the pitcher and catcher and the hitter are all trying so hard to outsmart one another that they can't be bothered with overt intimidation. Second, baseball has no clock artificially imposing drama. Third, game is played out in the open with no silly scrums that can hide rule breaking behavior. I realize pitchers trying to paint corners of the strike zone may be attempting to get away with something, but he expects to be scrutinized on each pitch, he cant hide anything. O.K. Joe Neikro using a nail file and Kent Hrbek lifting Ron Gant off of first base were trying to get away with something. One was successful one wasn't. Like I said, the game is not without its problems, but the fact remains that the league doesn't have to tinker with rules constantly to refine the game, other than cracking down on steroid use. It'll be a cold day in hell before the NFL gets serious with performance enhancing drugs.

The good news for our family is that Madster is playing park rec softball this spring and is really jazzed about it. This gives me an excuse to take her down to the Metrodump for a game or two this summer. Woohoo!